I had skipped some meals, and the snacks I was having weren’t too satisfying. I wasn’t happy with the way my nails looked. The research I was doing wasn’t going well. A rejection letter was sitting in my email, which I was too afraid to open. My phone constantly dinged with notifications I didn’t want to see. The frustration was inevitable.
The music I was listening to was making my eardrums throb. It was the cause of my piercing headache but I would make it louder still, if I could. I needed it to drown the voices in my head before they turned me to a puddle of tears. And mostly to keep out the knocking at the door.
The coffee mug was resting on a coaster on the kitchen island. The hot fumes were rising from it, the bittersweet smell hitting my nostrils.
The song changed, and the music subsided for a moment. The knocking on the door had turned to banging. I sighed and lifted the headphones.
I opened the door, it was you. My old friend, self-doubt.
Leaving it hanging, I allowed to let you follow me to the kitchen. I offered you coffee and you said yes. There was no small-talk that night because there was no need of it. I placed the steaming coffee mug I had made for myself in front of you, and turned to pour myself another one.
It was a matter of moments.
I turned back to find you tutting inaudibly at me, gazing down at the deep-colored liquid.
The coffee jug shattered when it hit the refrigerator, spilling black venom everywhere. You looked at me, but you weren’t shocked. Screaming followed. From both of us. The idea of small talk today was accusations. I scratched your face, you almost cut off blood supply to my hand by holding my arm too tightly. We were both livid.
I succeeded to push you out of the front door, slamming and chaining it, and turned to sit on the step right in front.
The eerie silence that follows the storm was disturbed by soft knocking. It turned to banging after a while and then hammering. I took a deep breath, stood up and opened the door.
It was you, again. My old foe, self-doubt.
I let you follow me. We sat opposite to each other as we sipped the cold coffee, never breaking eye contact.